COLLEGE STATION, TX - Some have called it a land-slide victory, others a large majority, but ask Jim Carlson and it’s simply “The opportunity of a lifetime.”
Carlson, I’m guessing a business or political science major, received over 60% of the student vote in a runoff election against Marcella “Your total is $2.14, pull up to the first window . . . What? Just one you said?. . . Sorry. $1.07 is your total” Colbert last week. The newly elected SBP says he looks forward to serving the student body and working hand in hand with President Gates. We caught up with the school’s CEO as he chiseled his signature in a stone tablet approving employee wage cuts - the new budget has fucked everything. “I’ve spoken with Jimmy a number of times. I have no doubt he’s got the talent and drive to execute the duties of Student Body President.” He elaborated, noting that Carlson is in fine physical condition and has no doubt developed strong jaw muscles from giving multiple campaign speeches.
Carlson said he appreciates the compliments, and returned in kind. “This man is a truly historical figure. I mean come on! Head Director of the CIA?! That kind of power is very attractive . . . in a platonic way of course.” When asked if he thought Marcella Colbert ran an unethical campaign, he smirked, “Nah . . . But I could use a Quarter Pounder right about now!” Campaign assistants were on hand to high five Carlson for the well-placed jab. “But seriously,” he added, “she’s pretty hot.”
Despite the recent drama of the past election, some remain cynical about the SBP’s actual influence in University politics. Francis Germaine, a physics major, thinks that no SBP has ever been able to effectively fight against policy changes pursued by the powerful Board of Regents. “College students binge drink and watch The Apprentice every Tuesday. Would you want your collegiate experience framed by those same people?” She continued, “If people realized where the money and authority really was, then maybe they would think before screaming ‘Puppet!’.”
Carlson dismisses such attitudes as “short-sided and irremissive," admitting he doesn’t know if "irremissive" is actually a word. “Those types of arguments are detrimental to an important process. People should know that this position matters and their vote is meaningful. For instance, President Gates assured me last night in his hot tub that through me the student body will be heard . . . with the technical exception of 15-minute intervals here and there.” Reflectively he conceded, “I really didn’t understand that part. But that’s cumming from the man himself.”
(Stokely is a quick wit with a preferrence for homo-erotic socializing with male friends.)
Unless you’ve been in a persistent vegetative state for the last two weeks, you’re probably familiar with the highly controversial case of Terry Schiavo (pronounced forlornly). As with abortion and numerous other life/choice cases, I will once again side with the “yeah . . . it’s fucked up” camp. This position of neutrality gives me the uncanny ability to make the “one way or the other-ers” look like obvious, text-book cases of some cultural mish mash based in dogmatic, presumptuous idiocy in lieu of more liberally-used descriptions that indicate robotic nature of country’s populace.
To the religious conservatives: Shut the fuck up. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard the word “parched” or “dying” during this debate, I would automatically deposit it in an account that funds religious satirists. My goal: Make such a mockery of religion in this country that people will be embarrassed to profess any religious belief whatsoever in fear of getting scorched with a cutting one-liner. Throughout all their moaning about her pain, they haven’t stepped back once and reflected on the notion that maybe she isn’t conscious of it (“See how she looked blankly at the ceiling with her mouth slightly open?! She’s suffering! . . . What?! You don’t think I know what she feels?! Okay okay. Look at her face . . . Now pretend she can think . . . Empathize . . . Keep empathizing . . .BANG! I Win.”). All science and semi to fully rational arguments aside, the reason I might lean on the side of the liberal life-haters is Tom Delay. If Tom Delay takes a stance one way or the other on any issue, regardless of what it is, take the opposite position, and take comfort in knowing Satan won’t have a seat reserved for you in hell.
And what did Terry want? Several sources have corroborated that she would not want to be kept alive artificially in such a situation. But the irony here is that she probably said it just to sound all tough and holistic. I’m surprised no one’s played up that angle. Just last night I told a group of friends that they “better pull the fucking plug if I’m ever that fucked up. No! Look at me! Pull the fucking plug! . . . Screw not being able to do shit . . . like some fuckin’ vegetable.” I said all this forgetting they would have no authority if such an event occurred. I also realized that I’ve not yet come to terms with dying, and immediately started praying to Jesus that nothing bad like that ever happens to me.
The last group under consideration is the last group anyone ever considers when debating a topic. They’re non-confirming, idealistic, logical, and even more importantly, as persuasive as an insurance salesman with a hand-written contract. They’re liberal activists. And why are they activists? Because they can’t chill-out like the rest of us and just profess progressive paradigms at parties and coffee houses. They actually let the shit play on their mind until they’re driven to the only logical conclusion: Challenge the status quo and take it to the streets! Or rather, irritate 80% of the population. Every time I’m on the verge of getting really high-minded and transcendental, I just imagine the size of the universe and how microscopic our existence is. Then I lay in bed for hours and get really existential, envisioning a blackness that covers everything. I soon accept the arbitrary nature of the human condition, close my eyes, and bask in an egoless meditation for 15 seconds. It only lasts 15 seconds because I’m easily distracted and realize how stupid I must look . . . But back to the marginal persons of our democracy . . . Before mouthing off about jurisdiction of authority, or people’s right to die, consider the harm in allowing Terry to live. Can’t think of much? Neither can I. Even if her parents are under the false illusion that their daughter can think and feel, give them peace of mind and let her live out her physiological life. And what’s the deal with the husband? He could have cut this whole debate off at the choke point and kept uncreative student workers from coming up with satirical editorials at work. Give guardianship to people who give a damn at run off with your girlfriend and a clear conscience. You wanna fulfill Terry’s “I’m an even-headed, wholesome person” wishes? What’s the point? She doesn’t know you’re doing it. Give her up to the lip service Christians of the world and know you did your part in not further distracting Americans from their normal dinner-time conversations.
In conclusion, fuck everyone.
(Stanley is a loser with no professional ambition)